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not_a_whiner"Commander Alenko," Sheila said, putting her pen down. She meant for Kaidan to see it - the camera on her end of the connection didn't show much of her besides her face, and therefor making such a move visible took effort. "We have been having these weekly sessions for six weeks, and yet so far, we have talked about everything but your feelings of loss towards Commander Shepard and Chief Williams."
Kaidan blinked. "I've been completely open with you," he said.
"Oh, I'm not accusing you of lying," she said lightly. "But I think you are refusing to confront the problem-- your own emotions. And it's not helping you grieve."
He sighed. "Look, I know I might not... talk much about myself," he said. "But I'm... I'm functioning. I'm working. I'm contributing to something here-- I can contribute to more. Everything else, I have to process at my own speed, but it's... well, the worst of it has come and gone."
As he said it, he suddenly wasn't sure he actually believed it. Neither did Sheila, by the looks of her.
"Hardly," she said. "I think you're still in shock. Running your classes, spending time with these new friends of yours-- does it feel real to you?"
"I--" Spent most of his classes staring at the AI boy in his class. Didn't talk to his roommates about much more than facts, details, text book stuff. "No. I guess not," he said. "It doesn't. No."
Sheila nodded. "Then I've got a little assignment for you this week, Commander. I want you to take the lid off that bottle of yours. Find somewhere you're comfortable and let it all out. Anything you can't or won't tell me or your friends, spill it." She noticed the quirk in his expression. "Don't give me that look. Try it. It'll help."
"Letting it all out has... never worked out well for me," Kaidan admitted. "Doesn't feel right."
Her eyes glanced down, off-screen. His file, he imagined.
"You're not going to hurt anyone with this, Kaidan," she said quietly. "And doing it now, in a controlled fashion, will keep you from lashing out later."
He blew out a breath. "I guess you're right," he said, rubbing at his forehead. "Guess I'll go find somewhere quiet. Wherever they station me next. If I find time."
Now she was the one with the look.
"What is it?" he asked.
"I've recommended that you stay at your current posting for a while longer, Commander," she said. "Stability should be an asset to your recovery." She didn't say 'before you lash out at someone in the line of duty', but Kaidan heard it anyway.
His spine stiffened. "I'd be more useful elsewhere, ma'am," he said. "Fandom doesn't need me to defend it, and if we need someone here to study it, the Alliance would be better off with a certified scienti--"
"This matter isn't up for debate, Commander," she said, putting an emphasis on his rank. "If the Alliance really needs you, they'll ignore my advice. But I don't think they will."
"Ma'am--" he started.
"This session is over," she replied. "See you next week."
[[ can be open, sure. ]]
Kaidan blinked. "I've been completely open with you," he said.
"Oh, I'm not accusing you of lying," she said lightly. "But I think you are refusing to confront the problem-- your own emotions. And it's not helping you grieve."
He sighed. "Look, I know I might not... talk much about myself," he said. "But I'm... I'm functioning. I'm working. I'm contributing to something here-- I can contribute to more. Everything else, I have to process at my own speed, but it's... well, the worst of it has come and gone."
As he said it, he suddenly wasn't sure he actually believed it. Neither did Sheila, by the looks of her.
"Hardly," she said. "I think you're still in shock. Running your classes, spending time with these new friends of yours-- does it feel real to you?"
"I--" Spent most of his classes staring at the AI boy in his class. Didn't talk to his roommates about much more than facts, details, text book stuff. "No. I guess not," he said. "It doesn't. No."
Sheila nodded. "Then I've got a little assignment for you this week, Commander. I want you to take the lid off that bottle of yours. Find somewhere you're comfortable and let it all out. Anything you can't or won't tell me or your friends, spill it." She noticed the quirk in his expression. "Don't give me that look. Try it. It'll help."
"Letting it all out has... never worked out well for me," Kaidan admitted. "Doesn't feel right."
Her eyes glanced down, off-screen. His file, he imagined.
"You're not going to hurt anyone with this, Kaidan," she said quietly. "And doing it now, in a controlled fashion, will keep you from lashing out later."
He blew out a breath. "I guess you're right," he said, rubbing at his forehead. "Guess I'll go find somewhere quiet. Wherever they station me next. If I find time."
Now she was the one with the look.
"What is it?" he asked.
"I've recommended that you stay at your current posting for a while longer, Commander," she said. "Stability should be an asset to your recovery." She didn't say 'before you lash out at someone in the line of duty', but Kaidan heard it anyway.
His spine stiffened. "I'd be more useful elsewhere, ma'am," he said. "Fandom doesn't need me to defend it, and if we need someone here to study it, the Alliance would be better off with a certified scienti--"
"This matter isn't up for debate, Commander," she said, putting an emphasis on his rank. "If the Alliance really needs you, they'll ignore my advice. But I don't think they will."
"Ma'am--" he started.
"This session is over," she replied. "See you next week."
[[ can be open, sure. ]]
