not_a_whiner | Somewhere in Space, the SSV Normandy, Wednesday

Kaidan	With a sigh, Kaidan leaned his arm against the window and pressed his face close to the glass. All those little stars out there... he wasn't the only one, dealing with losses and pain. Every one of those lights out there could signify someone putting their lives at risk, or trying to save their families, or hiding in a corner somewhere, crying. It was a heavy thought. Heavy enough that he almost didn't hear Shepard coming in, except the doors to the observation deck were heavy. Kaidan sighed. Squinted out at the vastness of space. He'd marveled at it, once. "All seems so calm from here. There are people going through hell in a million different ways... out there." He could just about see Shepard moving from the corner of his eye. Yeah, he'd known that gait. "And I wanna be fighting alongside them, but... I want to be here." He pulled away from the glass, and shot Shepard a look. "You know?"
Shepard	Shepard shouldn't have been so surprised to find Kaidan philosophizing in here. And he wasn't, not really. Just kind of a change from the rest of the crew. "Sure," he said. He stopped before the window, studying Kaidan's expression. There was usually more behind it-- there always was, actually. "Thinking of anyone specific?"
Kaidan	Yeah. "I heard from my mom, Shepard," Kaidan said. He crossed his arms. "My dad is MIA." He took a deep breath and looked back towards the stars. This was harder now, somehow. "He's presumed--" He faltered. Fuck.
Shepard	"Tell me what happened?" Shepard asked quietly.
Kaidan	"Dad's family owns an orchard in the BC interior," Kaidan said. "They were headed out there on a shuttle the day of the attack." Maybe if they'd just stayed in Vancouver, then Kaidan could've-- no. Vancouver had been worse. "He left mom at the orchard and reported for active duty." Because of course he had. "It's all we know, but, it's, uh... it's enough." He knew his father. If he wasn't clocking in, then... yeah. Space was large and empty, wasn't it? It was hard to remember, now, thinking it was beautiful, full of potential. "She's... alone in this now. In... all of this." Maybe he should fight harder, to get her off Earth, get her moved to Fandom. Broker a deal with Portalocity, something to get around their-- no.
Shepard	"I feel for you, Kaidan," Shepard said. His features had softened. He had no family back on Earth, no family outside of this ship-- except maybe Anderson. But seeing how much of a toll this was taking, not just on Kaidan, but the rest, on Vega and Traynor and the crew... "And I'm glad you told me." He turned to face Kaidan entirely, as open as he could make it. "There's strength in camaraderie. In empathy."
Kaidan	"Thanks." The word came out like a loud exhale, a relaxation of... something. Maybe relief, he wasn't sure. "You're right." He did miss Allie, and Jack. Friendship... friendship helped. But he couldn't ask either of them to come face this with him, and now he had a ship full of people who understood. He... had to remember that. He looked over. It was his turn to study, now. "I don't know how you do it, Shepard, keeping it all together like you do. Earth is always in the back of my mind, haunting me."
Shepard	"I get that," Shepard said. "I do." Kaidan was hardly the only one.
Kaidan	"And my students..." Kaidan'd been thinking of them, too. They'd graduated, more or less. They were capable. And yet. "Well, wherever they are, I know they're kicking ass... on Earth or... somewhere." Couldn't afford to waste more energy worrying beyond that. Not that that thought stopped him. But he should stop. Should focus on the future, instead. A thought struck him then, and he grabbed it, clung to it with all his might. "You know, when this war is over, there's going to be one hell of a reunion party."
Shepard	A smile played along Shepard's features. See, Kaidan: that was better. "Hell yeah!" he said.
Kaidan	The smile made Kaidan smile, which was nice-- hell, the smile even made it into his voice. "Dancing in the streets," he said, "Hugging and crying." It was a nice image. "My mom's always wanted to travel off-planet... I think I'll take her." ... if he got the chance. If she wasn't lost in the fray on Earth somewhere, wasn't killed, if he wasn't killed, if they weren't all-- damn it. There he went again. He slammed his mouth shut, but it was too late. Whatever sense of morale, of optimism they'd built, it had fled. Now there was just... him and Shepard. Standing there. Staring at each other for a few moments too long to just play it off like a lull in the conversation. He cleared his throat. "Uh. Thanks for coming by. It's the quarians next, right?" Nice save.
Shepard	For a second there, Shepard had to blink. He couldn't quite shake the silence, even if Kaidan had just broken it. "No, Traynor's found some Cerberus scientists who've deserted. They want to join us. That's where we'll be going." As soon as the words were out, the silence came back. So Shepard stepped forward at last, and looked Kaidan in the eye. "It's good to have you back, Kaidan," he said quietly. Then he vanished out the door.
Kaidan	Kaidan exhaled, but only once the doors had closed behind him. Then he turned back to the window and stared out at the stars. Yeah. Still not comforting.